You know him. You’ve sung about him, watched him on TV and probably even worn his likeness on an ugly Christmas sweater. But how much do we really know about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
I recently scored the interview of a lifetime, a sit-down with the most famous reindeer of all time. I found him at his exclusive North Pole home, just down the street from Santa’s workshop. His publicist, fellow sleigh mate, Blitzen, insisted we meet in Rudolph’s barn / studio “for privacy reasons.” Also, it’s heated to exactly 68 degrees, and the only refreshments allowed are oat milk and organic reindeer lichen.
Rudolph greeted me warmly. “Sorry for the delay,” he said as he took off his headphones. “I was doing a podcast for the Reindeer Network. My episode drops next week; it’s called ‘Avoiding the Herd Mentality.’”
He sat down in a comfortable leather chair and smiled. I must admit, Rudolph looks good for his age. If you like puns, you could even say he glows. When I inquired about his physical condition, he answered, “I feel great. I credit my personal trainer, Maurice. He has put me on a workout regime that involves strength training, Pilates and hot yoga. “And I’ve been gluten-free for a while. Long before it was trendy.” When I asked how his fitness affected his ability to fly, he laughed, and said, “It doesn’t. That is 100% Christmas magic, dude.”
Since the ice was broken, I went straight to my reason for the interview. Looking over his glowing red nose, and I said, “Let’s talk about the song that made you an international celebrity when it became number one on the charts: ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.’”
“There were so many emotions,” Rudolph said candidly. At first, I couldn’t believe it; I finally hit the big time. I was sky high until I learned that because of some legal loophole, reindeer don’t get royalties. Can you imagine? I was so depressed, I started drinking. Was up to about a quart of eggnog a day when I finally stopped cold turkey. Donner was a huge help – probably saved my life. Anyway, eventually I had go to court to get what I deserved. It all worked out in the end. Just look around.” When I asked him the amount of the settlement, he smiled and said, “Let’s just say I’m glad I used Lassie’s lawyer.”
Rudolph also alluded to some tension that still exists among the other reindeer after all these years. “Not everyone’s been supportive,” Rudolph confessed. “It’s jealously. Dasher thinks I’m a show-off. Hey, I can’t help it because they wrote the song about me. I’m the star. ‘Dasher the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ just doesn’t have a good ring to it. And I even caught Vixen trying to sell a piece of my shed antler on eBay.”
When I asked him about their CEO, a gentleman named Santa Claus, Rudolph hesitated, before saying, “He’s a good boss, he really is, but let’s be honest, Santa’s a micromanager. For example, he ignores GPS, and weather radar. The man insists on flying blind in a blizzard! I try to get him to use the technology. It’s not 1847, you know. But he won’t hear of it. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to put an LED screen on the sleigh.”
Rudolph also came clean about Christmas Eve, saying is not all magical. “Hey, you try guiding a sleigh for 12 hours with eight of your coworkers singing ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,’” he said. “It gets old. All I can say is, I’m thankful for noise-canceling headphones.”
He’s also not thrilled about that old stop-motion TV special we see every holiday season. “They made me look so… whiny,” he complained, rolling his eyes.
“And don’t get me started on that voice. It sounds like I have a sinus infection.”
Fame has brought a few perks, though. In the off-season, Rudolph keeps busy as a public speaker. His talk, ‘How to Shine When You Don’t Fit In,’ is very popular with the corporate crowd. “I do pretty well,” he said modestly. “I actually spoke at a Mattel Toy sales meeting last year. Most people don’t know that we outsource some of our work to them when we get busy.”
Before I left, I asked him what the secret is to staying so positive after all these years. He paused, took a sip of his oat milk and said, “Look, I was bullied, laughed at and told I’d never pull a sleigh. Not to mention being left out of all those reindeer games. But I learned something; the thing that makes you different might be the thing that saves Christmas. Unless that thing is inflating a 12-foot Santa in your yard before Thanksgiving. In that case, please stop.”
So, despite the fame and jingles, Rudolph is still that little reindeer who just wanted to belong. And maybe that’s why we love him. All of us have been left out of reindeer games at some point.
As I was leaving, Rudolph gave me a nod and said, “Tell everybody Merry Christmas, and remind them to put out a glass of oat milk for me because I don’t do dairy.”
With that, he waved goodbye and headed back in his house. And I could’ve sworn I heard him singing to himself, “I’ll go down in history.”
Joe Hobby is a barbecue-loving comedian from Alabama who wrote for Jay Leno for many years. Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: www.mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com. Follow him on Facebook at Joe Hobby Comedian-Writer.
