I’ve done some dumb things in my life. Over the years, I’ve displayed an All-American level of stupidity on a number of occasions. Once, I gave my wife a gift card for Christmas. What’s worse, it was for Home Depot – that’s stupid. I recently tried to repair a table leg and discovered I’d glued it on upside down, after the glue dried – that’s dumb. Once, I erroneously used dog shampoo for over a week – that’s idiotic. Strangely, it left me with an overpowering urge to chase cars. And sadly, I’m embarrassed to say I recently added yet another idiotic trophy to my collection.
Please take this as a warning. If any of y’all are planning theme park trips, learn from my mistake. Do not do what I did. Let me explain.
I was recently in Orlando, visiting Universal Epic Universe with my grandchildren. And the only thing “epic” was my epic lapse in judgment that caused me to wait in line way too long for one particular roller coaster.
It was in Nintendo Land, and I spent over two-and-a-half hours waiting to get on a ride – that is not a typo. It was called Super Mario’s Mine Car Madness, and believe me, the only madness was the wait. To be fair, they told us it was a 135-minute line. And like geniuses, we nodded and said, “Sounds reasonable.” Apparently, we forgot that 135 minutes is basically the runtime of the movie “Titanic.”
There was a sign at the entrance that said, “You must be this tall to ride.” It should’ve said, “You must be this dumb to wait this long.” That is a long time to be standing. The park designers could have made the wait a bit more tolerable by including benches, or leaning rails. But no. I suppose management believes seating is for quitters or the weak. Call me soft, but standing on concrete for almost three hours doesn’t feel like entertainment when you’ve paid good money for “the experience.” Maybe if a few executives were forced to stand in their leather-soled dress shoes that long, we might see some policy changes.
The whole thing felt slightly demeaning. Several thousand of us were funneled through a maze of chutes like cattle waiting to get dipped for ticks.
Nearly two hours in, the loudspeaker announced an additional 40-minute delay. My feet immediately filed a formal complaint, and not a verbal one. These suckers went into full riot mode. They were hopping mad. Trust me, you do not want angry feet. My feet are like my wife; not only do they never forget, but they will also remind me of my misdeeds forever.
By then, our entire group was as ill-tempered as an infant without a nap, and with good reason. When you have only one day at the park and spend almost three hours of it standing in line, it becomes a Universal Epic Fail in every measurable category: time wasted, physical pain, patience lost and money down the drain.
Finally, we got on the ride. It was…decent, not great. And not much more than two minutes long.
When it ended, I laughed out loud. Almost three hours of standing for a couple of minutes? I’ve waited longer for my toast to pop up in the morning, and that doesn’t require an appointment with a podiatrist afterward.
I said to my wife, “All that anticipation, and it was just a big letdown.”
She replied, “Just like our wedding night.”
I didn’t even respond. I knew when I’d been properly one-upped.
I thought we’d learned our lesson. As we walked away, everyone agreed we would never stand in line that long for an amusement park attraction again. That is, until later in the day, when they spotted the coveted Harry Potter ride with only a 120-minute wait.
Group psychology kicked in, and everyone headed straight for the queue. Everyone but me.
They may have short memories, but my feet sure don’t, and I have to live with them.
Joe Hobby is a barbecue-loving comedian from Alabama who wrote for Jay Leno for many years. Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: www.mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com. Follow him on Facebook at Joe Hobby Comedian-Writer.
