There comes a moment, sometimes quietly and sometimes after damage has already been done, when you realize your level of self-respect was never where you believed it to be.
I learned that recently, not through a single event, but through patterns I kept excusing. Low self-esteem mixed with depression has a way of distorting reality. It convinces you that effort equals worth, that worry equals love and that if you just give a little more of yourself, things will finally feel balanced. Instead, everything feels heavier.
A lopsided friendship or relationship will do that to you. You show up fully, consistently, emotionally. You worry when they pull away. You replay conversations. You wonder what you said wrong, what you failed to notice, what you could have done differently.
Meanwhile, the other person moves freely through their life, untouched by your absence.
These are the people who can spend a week solid with you and then disappear for a month. They return without explanation, without accountability and without recognizing the cost of that silence.
If you find yourself in that position, stop spending your time, energy and mental power trying to solve a puzzle that was never meant to be fair.
Do not ask yourself how you could have fixed it. Do not rewrite your words or soften your needs. It would not have changed the ending. At best, it would have only delayed the inevitable.
For those of us who live with depression, self-doubt, self-loathing or a deep lack of self-esteem, this is where the danger lies. Vulnerability without boundaries does not attract healing. It attracts people who sense your willingness to overextend, to excuse harm and to accept crumbs as connection.
These are the users, the abusers, the emotional vultures. They do not always look cruel. Often they look charming, wounded or in need. They fill you with reassurance, promises and carefully chosen words until they get what they want.
It may last a week, a month or even decades, but the cost is always the same. You slowly disappear while trying to keep them comfortable.
This is why I no longer believe a relationship should be the goal when you are at war with yourself.
Loneliness is painful, but being depleted by someone who never truly sees you is worse. No human being can bring you peace if you do not first learn how to protect it.
Raising your level of self-respect is not about becoming cold or guarded. It is about recognizing that consistency matters. Effort matters. Presence matters. If someone cannot meet you there, that is not a challenge to overcome. It is information.
Peace is not found in fixing other people or earning their attention. It is found in learning when to walk away without explanation and without apology. When you finally do that, you are not losing anyone. You are reclaiming yourself.
